Know yourself first
Before you can share your desires, you need to explore them. Reflect on what excites you, what piques your curiosity and what feels off limits. Yes/No/Maybe lists help you categorize activities, but journaling or reading educational materials can also spark self-awareness.
Identify your limits and desires
Name what feels good, what you might want to try, and what you don’t want. Clarity here makes sharing with a partner easier and kinder.
Preparing the conversation
Setting matters. Choose a time when both of you are relaxed and not distracted. In their guide to creating a sexual menu, therapists recommend talking about general boundaries—such as pronouns, STI prevention and comfort with sharing sexual details—before diving into the erotic menu itself. This builds trust and sets the stage for deeper sharing.
This conversation is easier when grounded in consent and communication.
Choosing the right setting
Sit somewhere comfortable and private. Turn off your phones and make the space inviting. Little gestures like candles or soft lighting can make the conversation feel special rather than clinical.
Structuring the conversation
Use a tool like a Yes/No/Maybe list to give shape to the discussion. Complete it separately, then compare answers. The items you both mark as “yes” become your shared menu. Items where one of you says “no” should not be revisited unless the person who said no changes their mind. “Maybe” items are filed away for future discussion.
Use Yes/No/Maybe lists as a guide
These lists help you align on boundaries without pressure, and keep a safe place for “maybe” items to revisit later.
Listen and respond without judgement
Active listening means paraphrasing what your partner shares and validating their feelings. If your partner doesn’t want to try something, respect it. A “no” is not about you; it reflects their comfort level and experiences. The goal is to build a shared space where both of you feel safe.
Ask open questions and avoid judgement
Approach the conversation with curiosity. Ask your partner what excites them, what conditions would make a “maybe” feel like a “yes,” and listen without defensiveness. Don’t try to persuade your partner; pressure undermines trust.
Review and adjust
Desires change. It’s helpful to revisit your lists periodically, perhaps every six months or after major life events. Therapist Brittany Steffen stresses revisiting your lists to keep pace with evolving desires and to maintain trust.
You can also mix in playful prompts, like conversation games for couples.
Revisit agreements regularly
Regular check-ins reduce misunderstandings and keep intimacy aligned with your current needs.
FAQ
How do I bring up a sensitive topic?
Prepare, speak gently, and propose using a list to structure your talk.
What if my partner refuses something?
Respect their decision and never try to talk them out of it.
How often should we review our boundaries?
At least twice a year or whenever there’s a significant change in your life or relationship.
Next steps
Consent and communication are the ethical foundation of intimacy.