What is consent?
Consent is an agreement that is freely given without pressure or coercion. In healthy sexual interactions, it is clear, continuous and voluntary. Partners have the right to say yes or no at any time, and they can withdraw their consent whenever they choose. Consent is also enthusiastic and informed: the parties understand what is being proposed, feel excited about it and can ask questions before agreeing.
Voluntary, clear and continuous consent
For consent to be valid it must be given freely, without coercion, guilt-tripping or intoxication. It needs to be explicit—assumptions or guesses are not enough. Finally, it is ongoing; partners should check in before, during and after sexual contact and respect a partner’s change of heart at any point. Learning to ask for and give consent in a natural way takes practice, yet it creates a safe foundation for intimacy.
Enthusiastic and informed consent
Consent should come with enthusiasm—if there is hesitation, slow down and talk about it. It also needs to be informed; everyone involved should understand the acts being considered and be aware of potential risks. Discuss contraception, STI prevention, and what specific activities mean to you.
The importance of ongoing communication
Communication is a cornerstone of intimacy. We cannot know what our partners want, dislike or are unsure about unless we talk about it. Educators on Scarleteen emphasize that clear, truthful communication is essential for ensuring everyone is fully consenting and feeling emotionally and physically safe. Tools like Yes/No/Maybe lists organize activities into “yes,” “maybe,” and “no” categories and serve as a springboard for honest conversations.
For more context, see how to talk about boundaries and desires and explore a slower approach with conscious sexuality.
Before, during and after
Discuss your desires and boundaries before sex. During the activity, pay attention to verbal and non-verbal cues, and check in with simple questions like “Are you comfortable?” or “Would you like to stop?” Afterward, share your feelings and ensure everyone felt respected. This continuous feedback loop builds trust and allows the relationship to evolve.
Respecting and negotiating boundaries
A “no” must always be respected. The American Sexual Health Association lists coercive behaviours such as pressuring someone who has declined, threatening to leave, or using guilt, all of which invalidate consent. In a healthy relationship, boundaries are acknowledged without debate or persuasion.
Recognizing and avoiding coercion
Coercion can take many forms: persistent pressure after a refusal (“If you love me, you would do this”), guilt-tripping, or manipulating someone into drinking more. Recognizing these behaviours helps you avoid them and protect your partner’s autonomy.
Tips for starting the conversation
Choose a quiet moment free from distractions. Let your partner know that you want to discuss your desires and boundaries to build mutual trust, not to impose anything. Ask open-ended questions like “What excites you?” or “Is there something you’re curious about but not sure of?”. Emphasize that no answer is permanent and that anyone can change their mind.
Creating a safe space to talk
Pick a setting where you both feel secure. Set some ground rules: speak one at a time, listen without interrupting, and take breaks if emotions run high. Using a Yes/No/Maybe list can structure the discussion and help you broach sensitive topics. Revisit the conversation regularly, as desires and limits can change over time.
FAQ (common questions)
What is consent?
Consent is a voluntary and reversible agreement that empowers all participants.
Do I need to ask every time?
Yes. Consent must be confirmed before each act and can be withdrawn at any point.
How can I bring up this topic?
Choose a relaxed moment, use open questions, and reassure your partner that there is no pressure. Use tools like Yes/No/Maybe lists to guide the discussion.
Next steps
Try the Yes · No · Maybe app to explore desires together at your own pace.